The Secrets You Hide by Kate Helm

Author:Kate Helm [Helm, Kate]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781785764752
Publisher: Bonnier Publishing Fiction
Published: 2018-10-03T23:00:00+00:00

43

As a kid, I was always a planner. Saved my pocket money for paint and brushes, had calendars ticking off the days until my birthday, summer holidays, Christmas.

After it happened, I never planned again. Why bother, when something – or someone – could render it all pointless?

Now I know I ought to start planning for my new future: research what is happening to me; call the hospital to chase the next appointment; make practical adjustments to my routine; think about what to do with the rest of my life. But since my diagnosis three days ago, I’ve hidden from the world.

A normal person would call on those close to them – someone like Neena, or Oli, even my foster-parents . . .

Marion and Trevor would be here in hours. They were paid to look after me, but I know our closeness went deeper than that. They believe I have made something of my life, that they helped put me on that path. They are proud of me.

I cannot break their hearts by telling them how everything has gone wrong.

Instead I call someone who is paid to listen.

*

My counsellor is fighting to conceal his interest in his newly exotic client. Charlie lopes in behind me, as though I’m dragging him to a dentist’s appointment.

‘How are you feeling about the diagnosis?’

‘Right now, this second, I’m angry. Before I left home to walk here, I felt overwhelmed. And when I woke up, I was terrified. I think the psychiatric term for me right now would be a total fuck-up.’

‘Humour can be a useful strategy.’ He smiles. ‘A diagnosis like this must be deeply unsettling. But you’re still the same person.’

‘I’m an artist. I observe. Record.’

And judge and condemn.

Daniel’s face flashes before my eyes; I haven’t thought of him for days. Now that I do, all the questions about what happened in Ashdean fill my head.

‘You’re more than your job, Georgia.’

‘I’m not me at all if I can’t do that anymore.’

Though perhaps it’s just as well. I may have helped convict an innocent man. Maybe Daniel isn’t the only one who has suffered from my particular form of blindness.

‘Did the specialist know how quickly your vision might deteriorate?’

I shrug. ‘It’s already bad in my right eye, but my left may be stable. One day, there might be gene therapy. But it’s genes that got me into this mess in the first place.’

It’s the closest I’ve come to mentioning my family. I wait for him to go in for the kill, but he doesn’t.

‘What sources of support do you have, Georgia?’

‘I don’t want to burden people. That’s why I called you.’

He nods. ‘Of course. Though people who love you are unlikely to see any cry for help as a burden. I’m sure they’d want to help.’

‘How? My career as an artist is over – there’s nothing my friends can do to change that.’

‘I understand how important your work is to you. But there are other ways to find meaning in your life.’

Meaning.

I stopped believing that on the day I lost Pip and Mum.

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